I believe that I have mastered the art of pretending to workout. Just because I don't actually have a formal diet or exercise regimen doesn't mean that I can't act like I am an enthusiastic member of the gym-going community.
Why do I pretend to workout? I have never really considered this, but I can come up with three answers: (1) There is a certain coolness about the athletic girl. Guys love her and girls want to be her. (2) I don't want to be seen as lazy. For some perverse reason, it is not enough that I walk to classes everyday. (3) I don't want to be that bitch referring to the bitch who is naturally thin and never hits the gym. There is nothing more annoying than a girl who admits to the fact that she doesn't need to workout. I consider that Too Much Information.
Tricking people into thinking that you workout is not an easily mastered skill. I have laid out the necessary steps.
1. Wear workout clothes while in public. This works double duty because it advertises your "workout" and can also be the perfect outfit solution on not-so perfect days.
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| Bad hair day? Throw it in a big bun and put on a Lululemon headband! |
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| Feeling fat? Put baggy, black workout clothes on. |
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| Feet killing you from wearing heels last night? Sneakers! Double points if you can come up with a "workout" outfit like SJP! |
2. Acquaint yourself with the new, hot Hollywood workouts. Casually mentioning the Bar Method or your Budokon class sounds more legitimate than the typical treadmill. Also, since nobody actually gets what these workouts are, you can be more vague and imaginative with your answers. "I don't know how to explain the location; but they are about to move so I'll let you know." "The only class offered is really early in the morning."
3. Try to keep muscle tone. People will get too nosy if you start to get a little pooch or arm fat. I'd suggest a wall sit while blow drying your hair, working your calves while waiting in line, and lifting the orange juice carton a few extra times. Anything is better than nothing!
4. Blithely mention workouts in conversation
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| "Maybe I'll get the caesar salad with chicken! That Soul Cycle class kicked my butt." |
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| "I wish I could wear this to my Bar Method class tomorrow!" |
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| "No alcohol for me! Early Pilates class!" |
Once these skills have been mastered, you'll be well on your way to a bona-fide compulsive exerciser!
